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Is this any good?
The Samurai “I'm silent in the dark" the Samurai had me warned. "I'll sneak up behind you, soon you will be mourned. I understand your movements and hear what you say. If think you can see me, then you are to be my next prey." I would not travel lone at night, only with a friend. I am coming to take you down, leaving ripples on your skin. I can sneak my way from up your chest, and hit you with my knife. I am the one who chooses, if you keep your life. When I come to take you, you will not be asleep. All it will take, is one last quick release Bitter cold of night, I can feel your breath. A shiver and your ready, battle with my death. I will fight you any place, your sorrows are to drown. Anywhere that I chose, I will cut you down. The Samurai was standing-from across the street. He was as quite as a mouse, at looking back up at me. He edged closer, cold steel in his hand. I flew through the distance, thinking of the pain. The Samurai starts to chase, he bellows out at me. "Stop your running yellow man, I'll do it quick and clean." For if you saved your soul for Gabriel, you are soon to meet the king Bitter cold of night, I can feel your breath. A shiver and your ready, battle with my death. I will fight you any place, your sorrows are to drown. Anywhere that I chose, I will cut you down. I now my breath is running low, I no more time to stall. So, I net the fire poker laying on the wall. My eyes light up so bright, to the vibrant glow. And I prepared for his jaw, a highly branding blow. I shove the fire to his mouth, I am sure it had to hurt. Hit the Samurai in the face, I sent him to the dirt My expressions turned to white, I now can feel my soul Last thing that I remembered, is his steel was mighty cold Why no critique sam? indeed sam it flows better as now Additionally, I added IS THAT to the final line Finally change knife to scythe Hmm you mean stanza one? I kinda didn't want him saying that part, it's coming from an external narator for if you saved your sould to Gabriel, you're too soon to meet the king" Line edit
Public Comments
- Hmmm it's interesting. Written really good I think. I question what the poem is about though. At first I thought you were just bored and wrote about a samurai, but then you mention Gabriel and the King. Does that mean the samurai is like a reaper, and he's coming from your soul and you're trying to hide??? im really interested to know what the poem is about!!!! It's really great though.
- Where your additional comments of 13 minutes ago, directed to me? If so, I will be happy to give you my honest comments. Sam 23 hours ago "indeed sam" EDIT: I am so happy to hear that. I am currently reviewing your piece and will reply as soon as I am done. Just a quickie first. I noticed on S5L1: "I now my breath is running low, I no more time to stall." is your "now" to be "know"? To bad you do not have email for I would love to discuss this with you off forum. If you would like to email me, then please feel free so that we can "really" discuss this. Peace, Sam 23 hours ago "it flows better as now" 2nd edit: if that is the case, then I have issue with your "I". Now is an expression of time. Know is an expression of knowledge. "I now my breath is running low, I no more time to stall." Me: Now my breath is running low, no more time to stall. I have also noticed upon review that you stopped using the (" ")'s when it is the Samurai speaking to you. Is this just an oversight? 3rd Edit: From Sam: If you are speaking to me my friend, I was not speaking about S1 but about S5. If you wish to direct a specific comment or question to a responder it may help if you type/copy the name of the person of whom you wish to address then make your statement. This assists all for better clarity and assistance. 4th Edit: You seem to still be working on this piece. It is nice to see that you are reviewing and still working on it. I do like your piece for the expression and story line, but I, as well as others can see that you are still working on it. Please take a look at your grammar. Your sentence structure suffers and the meaning is lost. This could be an incredible piece with a little work. I would like to see it again once you are finished working on it. Do not give up. Peace, Sam
